Informal Caregivers

Do you live a “but 1st” life? Not a “butt 1st” life, where you enter every room backwards, rather a “but 1st I need to ____” life. That’s where you go to the table beside your front door to grab your keys to run some errands, and notice the plant there is drooping, so you say to yourself, “But first I need to water this plant.” You go to the kitchen to get a pitcher of water and notice the dirty dishes in the sink, and say to yourself, “But first I need to rinse these dishes.” You reach for the dish detergent and find it empty, so you go the storage cabinet to find a fresh bottle, and notice . . . You get the idea.

It’s my experience that caregivers live in an almost constant “but 1st” life. I remember my frustration when faced with an insurance problem, well-meaning outsiders would say, “What’s the big deal? It’s just one phone call.” If you are a caregiver, you know it is NEVER just one call. The solution to any problem has multiple steps, and each time one step is completed, more steps seem to be added.

If these two examples resonate with you, then you know I have been in your shoes. How then do you thrive?

You will not thrive every day as an informal (or professional) carer, because some days you are simply too exhausted or overwhelmed, but here are some hints to increase your thriving days.

I noted in the Dementia Specific section that kindness to yourself is key.

• Sometimes that means a long bath or a favorite dessert or some other indulgence you haven’t allowed yourself. Just do it.
• Other days it means forgiving yourself for your mistakes. We all make them.
• Eliminate your negative self-talk. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
• Sometimes it means not doing or not going. Limit yourself.
• Sometimes it means accepting kindness from others. Make a list of what you really need, and the next time someone asks, “What can I do to help?” give a concrete answer. Or ask others directly for help. Give them a chance to feel useful.
• Sometimes it means denying a reality you’re not ready to face, and giving yourself time to gather strength.
• Often it means laughing when we don’t feel like it. We are all affected by the mood and energy of the people closest to us, which means we affect theirs. Fake it ‘til you make it can work to everyone’s benefit.

I was surprised to find that this quote was from Marilyn Monroe, but I believe it. Let’s live it:

We are all of us stars, and we all deserve to twinkle.